In a Mass Knife Fight to the Death Between Every American President, Who Would Win and Why?
(excerpted from link) Hello everyone!
One of my most-visited sites on the web is Reddit.com, and one of my favourite subreddits is HistoricalWhatIf, an online community that debates historical hypotheticals. Earlier today someone asked the question, In a mass knife fight to the death between every American President, who would win and why? Someone beat me to the obvious answer that a final showdown would see Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln, and Teddy Roosevelt doing a dagger-wielding version of a Mexican standoff, so I took it too far and walked through how I thought every president would turn out. An hour later the result greatly exceeded the maximum 10,000 character limit for a post, so I’ve decided to blog about it instead.
To begin, here were the original conditions of the hypothetical, as suggested by the redditor Xineph:
- Every president is in the best physical and mental condition they were ever in throughout the course of their presidency. Fatal maladies have been cured, but any lifelong conditions or chronic illnesses (e.g. FDR’s polio) remain.
- The presidents are fighting in an ovular arena 287 feet long and 180 feet wide (the dimensions of the  Roman Colosseum). The floor is concrete. Assume that weather is not a factor.
- Each president has been given one standard-issue  Gerber LHR Combat Knife , the knife  presented to each graduate of the United States Army Special Forces Qualification Course. Assume the presidents have no training outside any combat experiences they may have had in their own lives.
- There is no penalty for avoiding combat for an extended period of time. Hiding and/or playing dead could be valid strategies, but there can be only one winner. The melee will go on as long as it needs to.
- FDR has been outfitted with a  Bound Plus H-Frame Power Wheelchair, and can travel at a maximum speed of around 11.5 MPH. The wheelchair has been customized so that he is holding his knife with his dominant hand. This is to compensate for his almost certain and immediate defeat in the face of an overwhelming disadvantage.
- Each president will be deposited in the arena regardless of their own will to fight, however, personal ethics, leadership ability, tactical expertise etc., should all be taken into account. Alliances are allowed.
|Like this, only with less singing and dancing (maybe).|
I, much like everyone else, believes that Theodore Roosevelt would be the final contender. The man was an avid hunter, and a pro with the knife. The conditions, as outlined, would definitely favor his skills. However, after that opinions diverge. My number two person would be George Washington. He was very tall, athletic, and a noted dancer, which implies a certain amount of agility. As someone who was engaged in warfare during the pre-Revolution and Revolutionary period, he had a lot more experience with hand to hand combat than those who came later. My number three would be a certain Richard Milhouse Nixon. Nixon played football during his younger years, and he has a certain low cunning that would see him through up until almost the end.
Of our last 4-5 presidents? I think Obama might last a while. He takes out many of the early presidents quickly. They, not understanding that a black man is president, keep trying to order drinks and food from him. He takes advantage of their confusion and shanks them. However once it sinks in that he is a president as well, it's all over for Obama, as this is one situation he won't be able to talk his way out of. Dubya and George Bush Sr. make it into the top ten. They would have each other's back, and Bush Sr. at least, has sufficient guile to be able to exploit situations to his fullest advantage. Bill Clinton goes out early. He is no fighter, and will probably be stabbed in the back while trying to hide. Reagan, similiarly also goes out early. He was pretty old, and he can't move all that quickly.
|Bush, making preparations...|
Which presidents do you think would make it to the end? Which ones do you think go down quickly?